Transparency

November 14th, 2018 was a day which was to be the most memorable day of my life. I was just announced one of the newest members of the 40 under 40 cohort in the Young Woman's Professional League, and most would say well deserved. I had my own business (social work consultation), been a practicing school social worker for close to 10 years, a 16 year career working with children, and recently received my PhD in Human and Social Services the year before. I was a home owner, I had a wonderful son attending a prestigious Catholic School, a financial member (still financial) of the most illustrious sorority, Delta Sigma Theta, co-chair for the Pan-Hellenic committee, a church lecturer, and a frequent volunteer. I was living what some might consider the dream life. That night, I smiled the entire time. I took pictures side by side with my cohort of Sistars, got my award, recognition, and graced the stage as they called my name and proclaimed my number of successes. Yet, I felt an emptiness because for me...it was just another accomplishment and nothing more.

I had a friend text me a couple days later and said, "you look so sad in your pictures. Like, I know you're smiling but you look so sad." I was confused so I asked her, "why do you say that?" She said, "I don't know. You just look sad to me." The reality was, she was right. I was so confused as to how someone could decipher how I was truly feeling behind my smile but she was correct. I was sad. I didn't know why or how to explain it. I just was. I couldn't shake my feelings of sadness, worry, stress, and uncertainty. I smiled and laughed a lot (and I mean a lot), I dated, I went out with my friends, went to work, spent time with my family, went to my son's basketball games, and lived life as it should be. Because after all... life doesn't stop right? I kept going and pushing and pressing non-stop, with the exception of being sick. But my body had to literally shut down for me to be still.

I have never been one to manage time correctly and I found myself in my car every day, all day running: business meetings, basketball games, basketball practice, church, sorority events, LINK events, Pan-Hellenic events, work, leadership conferences, and the list goes on. Not only did the list go on, but it increased and brought on an enormous amount of stress. At one point I could feel so much stress in my body that I would physically be in pain. Fast forward to 2019 and nothing changed; only added responsibilities. The phrase "stress can kill you" is not a myth, but a fact and I could feel the tension and the stress all over. The night before I took my son on a college visit, I literally prayed to God that I wouldn't die before I had to drive to Atlanta. And even when I woke up that next morning at 4:30am, I still could feel the stress overpowering me. I came to the realization that something had to give. I needed to take a break before I break and I needed it real quick.

Thanksgiving break I decided to take some time to start working back out. After gaining about 20 lbs in one year (still fine though), I made a conscious effort to get in the gym consistently. I was on the elliptical, scrolling through Pinterest and came across an article that identified 11 symptoms of high-functioning depression. And guess who identified with all 11...this girl. I sent a screenshot to my friend and asked, "Is this me?" Her response of course was, "Duh. I've been telling you that I thought you were depressed for years." To her credit, she is a behavioral health therapist and has the ability to diagnose. FYI, friends with mental health backgrounds are the best lol. After our conversation, I read a little more and did some research and found that this is common. Common, but not necessarily talked about and is often referred to as dysthmia in the DSM-V. I had never heard of high-functioning depression, let alone knew anyone who actually identified with it. Despite me learning I was suffering from HFD, it was like I had a moment of clarity. It's kind of like not feeling like yourself and not knowing what's wrong for the longest time, but FINALLY finding a doctor who can tell you what's been wrong. I didn't exactly go to a doctor and I kind of diagnosed myself (kids don't try this at home) but I mean I am a doctor lol. If you have any question about what HFD is, here are the 11 symptoms that I found resonated with me:

1. Difficulty experiencing joy. Things that used to bring you pleasure don't bring you joy anymore; whether it's yoga class or getting together with friends, it's become more of a burden than an enjoyable activity.

2. Extremely critical of self and others. You have a relentless critique of yourself and/or other people. You think you're a failure (despite your accomplishments) and the reoccurring thought patterns may be difficult to turn off.

3. Constant self-doubt. You constantly doubt if you’re on the right career path, right relationship, and doubt if you can handle being an adult or doubt what you’re doing in your life. The constant self-doubt can be situational or pervasive.

4. Diminished energy. You barely have the mental, physical, or emotional to handle life, and you feel like each day is walking up a mountain with a backpack of bricks.

5. Irritability or excessive anger. Blowing up over small things or exploding over small things. Pretty much majoring in the minors.

6. Small things feel like huge things. Being overwhelmed or extremely stressed by an event that wouldn’t have felt like such a huge deal. Especially when your stress responses disproportionately to the event itself.

7. Feelings of guilt and worry over the past. You worry literally over EVERYTHING: am I in the right grad school program, did I choose the right career, am I going to pay off all these student loans, did I marry the wrong person, am I going to marry the wrong person??? Feeling sadness, guilt, and worry over your past and future are dominate.

8. Relying on coping strategies more and more. Using coping mechanisms more often than not: alcohol, drugs, excessive gaming, constant Netflix, all in an effort to escape life.

9. Generalized sadness. A sense of sadness but unclear of the root of it and an overall sense of hopelessness.

10. Seeking perfection. The most difficult of all, we love in a society where perfectionism is a must. Are you setting goals or are you setting unrealistic demands??? This happens when you set the bar too high for yourself and beat yourself up when you don’t reach your goals.

11. Inability to rest and slow down. If you need to clean up, tidy the house, organize the show closet even after you’ve had a long day at work, if you feel the need to work at home instead of rest and feel uncomfortable with slowing down or having periods of rest or self-care because of uncomfortable thoughts and feelings when do you do actually slow down...you could actually be suffering from high-functioning depression.

Not that this blog isn’t long enough (trust me when I tell you I have ADD and would have stopped reading a long time ago) I had to come to terms with who I am and what I’m dealing with. Only because, I’m certain I’m not the only one managing high-functioning depression. The term “check on your strong friends” couldn’t be true enough seeing as though I’ve often identified as the strong friend. And while I’m still coming to terms with my recent diagnosis, it was a moment of clarity for me and I felt oh so much better once I realized I knew what was wrong with me. If you’re struggling with something and trying to “hold it all together” invest in yourself and your self-care. Take a break, before you break. Let 2020 be a year of prosperity, transparency, and clarity. Happy New Year.

References:

https://www.scarymommy.com/signs-high-functioning-depression/